overcoming obstacles

Why do we always “face” obstacles? Why not “torso” obstacles, or “leg” or “arm” them instead?

I take that back. We really shouldn’t arm obstacles. Obstacles are bad enough already without the weapons.

misadventures in grammar, episode 1

All of the writing guides argue that it is better to use “despite” rather than “in spite of.” Despite these guides’ preferences for “despite,” I plan to use “in spite of” anyway.

I am doing this out of spite.

what a heel!

The term Achilles’ heel has an apostrophe, because it’s a reference to the heel that belonged to the ancient Greek hero Achilles. Therefore, by the transitive properties of apostrophes, when we talk about something being our Achilles’ heel, that something does not actually belong to us. It belongs to Achilles. Even though that guy has been dead for like, forever.

And given that Achilles allowed his own Achilles’ heel to be shot by an arrow, I really don’t think that we should be trusting this Achilles guy with all of our Achilles’ heels!

Seriously, we’re really vulnerable here – this is an area of weakness that someone may exploit.

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Waiting for the other shoe to drop

If the shoe fits, wear it. That’s what they say.

But first, I want to know where this shoe came from? Is it brand new? Or does it belong to someone else? If so, do they have any communicable foot-borne diseases that I should be aware of? Also, why are they so willing to part with their own shoe? Is there something wrong with it? Or perhaps it was stolen without their consent? And if I were to wear it, wouldn’t that make me complicit in some kind of shoe-thievery activities?

Also, what kind of shoe are we talking about here? If it’s like, a four-inch heel, then sorry, I can no longer wear heels that high since developing plantar fasciitis. Or if it’s a Birkenstock or one of those weird orange clog-like things that Mario Batali wears, then fuck you, there is simply no way that I am putting crap like that on my foot!

And I can’t help but notice that it’s “if the shoe fits” – singular. So then, what about my other foot? Am I really supposed to walk around with only one shoe? The more that I think about it, this whole thing sounds like some kind of shoe-based pyramid scheme. Or perhaps I will be forced to sit through a day-long timeshare sales pitch before they actually give me the other shoe. No thank you!

The authorities really should investigate these shoe people. They are up to no good. I’m sure of it.

my not-so-secret “secret plot,” part one

I am secretly plotting an overthrow of the government via the strategic use of non-dairy creamers.

I am not quite sure how I will deploy them yet. Check back with me in a month…