you should definitely maybe buy my new book!

Hey, you should probably know that I just wrote a new book!

And I say “probably” rather than “definitely” here, because I am not about to dictate your priorities to you. Seriously, I am not so arrogant or narcissistic to believe that you should immediately drop everything that you are doing right now, and run as fast as you can, to your nearest bookstore, in order to purchase a copy of my new book.

To be completely honest, I doubt that the book is even available at your local book store. Because I am mostly selling it online. Which is where you can purchase it: By getting online. Which you probably are already. If you are reading this.

Look, I don’t harbor any grandiose assumptions about me being “God’s Gift to Readers,” and that everybody and anybody must simply be dying to read my book. I just figured that, since you were visiting my blog (as demonstrably demonstrated by the fact that you are reading this) then you probably have *some* interest in my work. Even if it is a vague, fleeting, ambivalent, and/or half-hearted sort of interest.

But maybe you’re not really interested in my work? Maybe you’ve just been toying with me this whole entire time? Perhaps, rather than genuinely enjoying all of the odd little pieces that I have been posting here sporadically over the last year or so, you have merely been pretending to like me all along? Perhaps because you have some ulterior motive?

Frankly, I am not exactly sure what that ulterior motive would be. And don’t get me wrong: It’s not that I doubt your Machiavellian nature per se – I am sure you can be quite devious and crafty when you want to be, when you set your mind to it. It’s just that it is unclear to me how you might be able to thoroughly take advantage of me via reading my odd, little, sporadic blog.

Unless you are hacking me right now.

ARE YOU HACKING ME RIGHT NOW?!? LITERALLY AS I WRITE THIS?!?

It just dawned on me that I may have jumped the gun here. Perhaps I have been assuming the worst about you? I sure hope not. But at the same time, I sure hope that I have just assumed the worst about you. Otherwise, that likely means that you are hacking me right now. Literally.

And in addition to jumping the gun, I’m afraid I have also buried the lede. Perhaps because I shot the lede with the gun. I pumped it full of lead, or led, or lede – spelling and idioms be damned. And naturally, I’d have to dispose of that body somehow…

Anyway, the lede was supposed to be: Hey I wrote a new book! It’s called General Surgery and Surgeons General: a Kat Cataclysm chapbook. It’s a modest forty-something-page collection of some of my absurdist short stories, slam poems, and whimsical musings, which touch upon and/or outright tackle diverse topics such as YA dystopian fiction, photosynthesis, mountain climbing, temporal anomalies, bisexuality, Santa Claus, Prince’s song lyrics, malapropisms & paraprosdokians, and the trials and travails of the contemporary author.

the book can be purchased at:
—CreateSpace (which offers the best royalties for the author)
—Amazon.com (where you can “Look Inside” the book by clicking on the cover)

And you can listen to readings of four of the chapters on YouTube:

Poetry Slammed
The Sex Which Is Not One
Mr. Prince
Smells Like Teen Dystopia

And if you’re looking for more general information about the book (e.g., if you happen to be a generalist rather than a specialist, or a general rather than an enlisted person), it can be found here.

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Genetic Makeup

People often question my genetic makeup. But I say, it’s just as important to look beautiful on the inside as you do on the outside. This is why I apply foundation, lipstick, and mascara to each and every copy of deoxyribonucleic acid in my entire body before leaving the house each and every morning.

A Brush with Teeth

I remember every single instance in my entire life when I have brushed my teeth.

And many people have trouble believing that this is true. These people seem to view brushing teeth as this really trivial thing, and they’ll do it with little regard or consideration. In contrast, I recognize how important – nay, momentous! – the act of brushing one’s teeth is. Which is why I fondly remember each and every single occasion: January 14, 1989. October 2, 1997. June 23, 2006.

And of course, yesterday. Which is why the whole “brushing teeth” thing has been on my mind today.

Cats

They say that there is more than one way to skin a cat. To which I reply: Exactly how do we know this? Like, is there some computer genius out there somewhere who has dedicated their life’s efforts toward creating the most advance computer simulation imaginable, which now runs through millions of iterations of hypothetical scenarios involving various numbers of cats and sharp implements, and which has led to the indisputable conclusion that there are precisely 4.5 or 12.7 or 342.9 ways to skin a cat?

Is this how we know this?

What? You say that this knowledge is derived from real-life instances of actual human beings skinning actual cats?

Ewww, gross.

But more to the point: What an inefficient way to reach such a conclusion.

on the passage of time

They say that time heels all wounds. But sometimes, you also really need sutures. Plus antibiotics. And an overnight hospital stay.

Let’s face it: Time isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

overcoming obstacles

Why do we always “face” obstacles? Why not “torso” obstacles, or “leg” or “arm” them instead?

I take that back. We really shouldn’t arm obstacles. Obstacles are bad enough already without the weapons.

what a heel!

The term Achilles’ heel has an apostrophe, because it’s a reference to the heel that belonged to the ancient Greek hero Achilles. Therefore, by the transitive properties of apostrophes, when we talk about something being our Achilles’ heel, that something does not actually belong to us. It belongs to Achilles. Even though that guy has been dead for like, forever.

And given that Achilles allowed his own Achilles’ heel to be shot by an arrow, I really don’t think that we should be trusting this Achilles guy with all of our Achilles’ heels!

Seriously, we’re really vulnerable here – this is an area of weakness that someone may exploit.