What the world needs right now – more than anything else as far as I can surmise – is a supercontinent. You know, like Pangea, or Pannotia, or Rodinia of past eras. Those were classics!
I mean, don’t get me wrong, the continents that we have today are okay – good but not great.
But they’re not nearly as super as a supercontinent.
I remember every single instance in my entire life when I have brushed my teeth.
And many people have trouble believing that this is true. These people seem to view brushing teeth as this really trivial thing, and they’ll do it with little regard or consideration. In contrast, I recognize how important – nay, momentous! – the act of brushing one’s teeth is. Which is why I fondly remember each and every single occasion: January 14, 1989. October 2, 1997. June 23, 2006.
And of course, yesterday. Which is why the whole “brushing teeth” thing has been on my mind today.
They say that there is more than one way to skin a cat. To which I reply: Exactly how do we know this? Like, is there some computer genius out there somewhere who has dedicated their life’s efforts toward creating the most advance computer simulation imaginable, which now runs through millions of iterations of hypothetical scenarios involving various numbers of cats and sharp implements, and which has led to the indisputable conclusion that there are precisely 4.5 or 12.7 or 342.9 ways to skin a cat?
Is this how we know this?
What? You say that this knowledge is derived from real-life instances of actual human beings skinning actual cats?
But more to the point: What an inefficient way to reach such a conclusion.
No more monkey business!
The era of monkeys engaging in capitalism and global free trade are now over.
Consider yourself embargoed monkeys.
The term Achilles’ heel has an apostrophe, because it’s a reference to the heel that belonged to the ancient Greek hero Achilles. Therefore, by the transitive properties of apostrophes, when we talk about something being our Achilles’ heel, that something does not actually belong to us. It belongs to Achilles. Even though that guy has been dead for like, forever.
And given that Achilles allowed his own Achilles’ heel to be shot by an arrow, I really don’t think that we should be trusting this Achilles guy with all of our Achilles’ heels!
Seriously, we’re really vulnerable here – this is an area of weakness that someone may exploit.
If the shoe fits, wear it. That’s what they say.
But first, I want to know where this shoe came from? Is it brand new? Or does it belong to someone else? If so, do they have any communicable foot-borne diseases that I should be aware of? Also, why are they so willing to part with their own shoe? Is there something wrong with it? Or perhaps it was stolen without their consent? And if I were to wear it, wouldn’t that make me complicit in some kind of shoe-thievery activities?
Also, what kind of shoe are we talking about here? If it’s like, a four-inch heel, then sorry, I can no longer wear heels that high since developing plantar fasciitis. Or if it’s a Birkenstock or one of those weird orange clog-like things that Mario Batali wears, then fuck you, there is simply no way that I am putting crap like that on my foot!
And I can’t help but notice that it’s “if the shoe fits” – singular. So then, what about my other foot? Am I really supposed to walk around with only one shoe? The more that I think about it, this whole thing sounds like some kind of shoe-based pyramid scheme. Or perhaps I will be forced to sit through a day-long timeshare sales pitch before they actually give me the other shoe. No thank you!
The authorities really should investigate these shoe people. They are up to no good. I’m sure of it.
I am secretly plotting an overthrow of the government via the strategic use of non-dairy creamers.
I am not quite sure how I will deploy them yet. Check back with me in a month…
It’s so depressing how many problems there are in the world today: war, poverty, racism, sexism, a dysfunctional political system.
That’s why I wish I was a real estate agent. Because they are always so optimistic about everything! Like, if a real estate agent was selling society, with all its faults, they would probably describe it as a “fixer upper” that just needs a little handiwork, and some tender love and care, to become a beautiful home.
And that got me thinking: What if I were a bit more handy? And what if I put in the time and effort to patch things up here and there? Perhaps I could fix up society!
And then I could flip it. I’d probably make a pretty penny.
Nothing is quite so profound and fulfilling as seeing someone on social media “like” or “favorite” a horribly written movie review that decries the woeful acting and editing in a newly released film that itself was intended to be a critique of modern society.
They say that baseball is a game of adjustments. And it really is true. All you have to do is watch and you’ll see hitters frequently stepping out of the batter’s box in order to adjust their batting gloves. Or you’ll often see the catcher approach the pitcher’s mound so that together they can discuss making adjustments regarding their strategy for getting the batter out.
And the people who say they hate baseball because they think it’s too “boring” or that it “moves to slow” simply don’t realize that it is a game of adjustments. In a very very literal sense.